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Men You Meet When You’re 20

So I’ve noticed in 2015 most people are desperate to not be themselves and play into some sort of bizarre stereotype. Thought I would discuss two of these because man ain’t got a life so may as well write a blog post and just talking about men because girls suck.

WORDS: NINA PEZESHKIAN

PIX: ANNA SAMPSON

THE ARAB PLAYBOY

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Spotted at:

Dar Marrakesh, Harrods, Mahiki, Cirque la soir, Equinox gym

Attire:

Can usually be found in an uncomfortably tight polo neck and blazer from Zara men. This of course will be paired with beige chinos that are so tight that nothing is left to the imagination. If they are particularly douchey these chinos may be white. An Arab playboy is overdressed at all times because that’s just the life of an ‘entrepeneur’; they could be called to a meeting at any time so gotta look da part. Goes without saying that he will be in brightly coloured moccasins, socks nowhere to be seen. (Fuck!)

If you manage to catch an Arab playboy on a casual Sunday when ‘the office’ (the unnecessarily large MacBook on an ikea table in his bedroom) is closed then a gilet (ralphy) is a must. The only exception to this rule is when it’s particularly cold and their ‘dench’ arms can’t take the glacial winds so they have donned a Moncler or Canada goose. They will sweat profusely in their uber lux but refuse to remove their coat as this will ruin the entire aesthetic. This goes along with some tragically tight jeans (Balmain obv) and some sort of fake designer belt (Gucci/Hermes/Louis Vuitton/Fendi if they’re an absolute shambles) The look is finished off with a pair of predominantly gold high tops. (Zanotti fam)

Likely to be heard saying:

‘Last night was maaaaad. Kanye came and joined me and my boys at my table, Kim she was there too, mash’allah beautiful girl and she was on me but you know she’s just too bait for me. Wallah I dropped mad dollar though…whatever though it’s cool it’s just money. I’ll have what I lost doubled by tomorrow habibi, no problem.’

The Arab playboy has never actually visited an Arab country nor can he speak Arabic. Key phrases like ‘habibi’ ‘insha’allah’, ‘yallah’, ‘khalas’, or ‘hayati’ will be thrown out casually, at least twice a sentence, to appear in touch with their culture/to get them into a club.

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‘I don’t believe in the preservation of money, rather spend it all while I’m breathing.’

 An Arab playboy will tell you how he is ‘really into hip hop’ and start quoting Drake lyrics like they’re going out of fashion. He will then give you an hour long monologue about how he worked so hard to create his ‘brand’ and ‘image’, he’ll tell you he’s ‘charismatic’ and that’s how he got to where he is – started from the bottom but he’s worked hard for his dollar so he’s happy to spend it. Said dollar has in fact come from Babi (daddy) who owns Mamounia Lounge and half of Qatar.

No comment.

THE STONER

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Spotted at:

Beyond Retro, random parks, old men’s pubs in obscure locations like Barnes/Hamsptead, Bussey Building/Brixton Jam

Attire:

Anything that has that ‘idgaf’ attitude – despite having dad’s who own Richmond park and smoke a pipe in a Harris tweed suit, the idea is to look like they had to wear clothes they found in the street or at the local job centre’s lost and found.

Needless to say this all has to be vintage:

  • Anything Adidas Originals
  • Any sort of cap – bonus points if it has an ‘ironic’ logo of a place you’ve never actually been e.g. sea world
  • A Harrington jacket
  • Some form of brightly coloured cagoule – usually Nike, Adidas or Reebok. The ultimate stoners will go for ‘Dunlop’ or ‘Lonsdale London’ to show all fucks were lost long ago
  • Adidas gazelles seem to be the go to but these are interchangeable with falling apart Converse
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Likely to be heard saying:

“The thing is like with David Cameron and that like he’s just not a good guy, you know? Think about Maggie Thatcher and all those miners and they were like the common man like an average joe. That’s you and me mate. (Hits blunt) People only support Dave coz it’s like the western capitalist agenda and we’re all just like programmed mate like (toke) fuck.’

The stoner is always an expert on politics despite not even having a basic knowledge of any party’s manifesto. He’ll probably support the Green Party or talk about how, when he moves to Thailand, to live at the full moon party, he won’t need politics anymore.

Daily conversation with a stoner will revolve around how he needs to defend Jamaican grass to the doubters, previous times he was high and when his dealer’s coming through to Chiswick on a bike he stole from some kids (JHEEZE). True stoners will be too busy playing fifa to keep eyecontact with you while he tells you this shit.

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“The thing is like people don’t open their eyes you know? Like the other night I was at Whirly gig and it was just fucking mad so wavey and I was thinking about Buddhism mate like (hits blunt) that shit is so peaceful like we could be in Bali mate.”

Profound. Politics, religion/spirituality is the stoner’s favourite topic. The stoner will have read an article on Buddhist monks in their mum’s copy of reader’s digest and will use this information to preach like he’s the Dalai Lama himself. It’s best not to get into any kind of argument over these topics with a stoner coz dey stoned n dat.

If you don’t fit into either of these categories then well done you are probs quite an interesting person and at least you’re original.
Peace up

NINA PEZESHKIAN

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