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A Date with WebMD

WORDS: Anna Sampson

This year was a pretty uneventful year in terms of men, which was great.

It meant that for the most part, I wasn’t complaining to my friends and constantly checking my phone for messages.

I did go on a date with a guy who was cute in a dishevelled way, who I had had a horrible crush on for, like 3 years.

 

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2 much 4 me

Everything started
off like most my dates do-
me asking all of the questions
and not getting much back.
Suddenly, things took an
interesting turn when he
announced he was flirting
with a dude via text.

“Wow”, may I see a picture?”

was my impulsive reply,
whilst wearing one of those
frantic fake smiles
that you can see
straight through.
I’m pretty sure at least
one tooth popped
out which is rare because
I hate my teeth.

In a “here’s one I did earlier”
style, he got out
the dude’s Instagram,
becoming all animated and giddy
which made me feel energised
and confused.
What did me in was
that the Instagram
was the opposite of hot.

It was pure trash!

The guy looked
like someone who’d work
at Bleach London,
and listen to Kaiser Chiefs.

I expressed my
dismay
but,
it was shrugged off.

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The candour really needed
to be thrown in the
bin when I then got

“I’m surprised you’re straight because I assumed you were gay.”

I thought about that track
How Do You Get Up From An All Time Low
by The Wanted.
(what happened to them?)

We were due
to see a band perform,
so I wasn’t just
about to leave.
The question on everyones
lips was
“why did he invite me out?

Was this an Curzon x Punkd edition?

Was it some sort of sick dare?

The band was good
and I was bought
a couple of drinks
which semi softened
the blows. An hour later,
and I was kind of
drunk and ill at the
same time, with a throat
filled with saw dust
and a crusty nose.
I was desperate to amp up
my sex appeal in this midst
of all this chaos,
so I decided to talk about my flu.

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“COR my glands feel swollen, tell you that for free!”

“If your glands are swollen you could have HPV”. (Ring ring hello, it’s

NHS hotline how may I help you? 🙂

“To be honest I never got the jab”.

“You probably have it then.”

Probably” have it?
Fuckin ‘eck.
That isn’t something to be
tossing around so lightly,
boyo.
One comment away from
an anxiety attack,
I left the venue puffing
on Camel Blues,
scrolling through WebMD.
For reasons unknown I
allowed him to walk
around with me which
is when he asked me:

“Do you want to listen to some music?”

“Didn’t we just hear some?” (scratching my head)

“Can’t we listen to some at yours?”

At MINE? Holy fuck.
What did that mean?
Sleepover on a Sunday nite?
A liccckle bit audacious
if you ask me.
So, naturally I said

“Yes ok sure.”

I called up my
flatmate and asked if he
had any weed
but he just
laughed it off.
No,
this request wasn’t
for me, it was for
my guest, who I thought
might be slightly more
human after a couple
tokes of the Devil’s Gra$$! 😉 😉
oi oi!

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When we arrived
at mine, he lay on
my bed. So naturally,
I sat on the
other side of the room
on the chair by my desk.
He said he:

“Wanted to listen to music”

I started playing music
from one of my many
Spotify playlists (this is not an Ad).
He’d show me a song,
I’d show him a song,
he’d show me a song,
I’d show him a song,
and on it went.
I started playing music
from one of my many
Spotify playlists (this is not an Ad).
He’d show me a song,
I’d show him a song,
he’d show me a song,
I’d show him a song,
and on it went.
Then he stared
at me deeply
and said:

“Do you know who you reaally look like?”

“Dunno, who?” (flipping my hair)

“This guitarist from this rock band…

HE really looks like you”

……………………………………………………………………………….

I turned away to
compose myself and
when I turned back
around he was in
nothing but
his boxers.

Woooooooooooow.
Was he attracted
to me now?
Was I SO
androgynous that
it turned him on?

I knew I should’ve have worn my wig.

 

END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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