Skip to content

Surviving a Shit Show: Pt 3

Words + Photos : Anna Sampson

Cast: Olivia Chaplin, Nina Pezeshkian, Ophelia Lindahn and Hannah Myers

Needless to say I wasn’t killed in a satanic ritual. (read pt 2 here)

Instead, Black Hair and I were kissing on the stairwell outside his grandparent’s flat.
Each kiss left me dizzy and I was waiting for it to get boring but it never did, so I reached for his belt to unbuckle but he swatted me away.

At 6am, as I was leaving, he remarked:

“I have blue balls.”

On the Uber ride home I wondered if he was gay, or if he wanted to take things “slow” which is pretty much the same thing.

I checked my phone. 10 texts from my Mom.
Where are yous? that got more concerned and
more aggressive and then I read that
I had missed my train back to London.

So I was alone in Paris, one day until New Years Eve,
with no money to get home, and no friends to speak of.

After hours of crying down the phone, Ophelia had had enough.
She took a bus up from London to be with me,
which is when I fully understood the phrase
“knight in shining armour.”

I hit up Black Hair to ask what his plans were.
He replied-

“Come round to my place for 11:30pm. X”

So we did …

OUTSIDE THE DOOR

Black hair was slung over the bannister,
with a smug look on his face.

A silk shirt hung off his rake thin body.
Wrapped tightly around his neck,
a white silk scarf.

If Cap’n Jack Sparrow
ever had a “Give 2 Charity” pile,
this ensemble would’ve been
the first thrown in.

His face, a ghoulish green
against the dark brown walls,
was dotted with
light red pimples.

Confused, hurt,
and questioning my sanity,
I stood there,
unable to speak.

How could a 10
become a 3 in 2 days? 🤔

Ophelia shot me a look
that read:
“Who the fuck is this?”

staircase3

THRU 2 THE LIVING ROOM

Black hair walked off,
blue carpet looked
even worse
than before,
and the familiar feeling of
“why am I here?”
hit me like
a tonne of bricks.

Suddenly,
a group of
boys emerged.
One was speaking
American
with flame red hair.
Two boys
followed, wearing
eyeliner, trilby hats
and 5” frames.

A door slammed
shut,
and they were gone.

Then I …

orange4

SPOTTED SOMETHING STRANGE

It was a figure,
small and peculiar,
hunched up on
the windowsill.

He was talking,
with air pods in,
wearing
a suit that only
a ventriloquist’s
dummy would own.

Feeling both
pity and apprehension,
we approached with
caution.

“What’s your name?”
I said,
like adult to toddler.

“My name’s Amandelier!”
he squeaked and
jumped down
to floor
level.

His voice was
so similar to Bartok,
(the cartoon bat
from Anastasia),
that it sent
a chill down my spine.

“That sounds
like a
girl’s name!”
Ophelia chortled.

“Well it’s not!
He snarled.

“But what are
you doing
up there?”
I said,
motioning
to the windowsill.

“I’m just
calling
all my people,
wishing them
a happy New Year.”

He tutted,
hopped back to
the windowsill,
and business resumed:

“Hello Johnny?
Happy New Years buddy!”

stabchicken

DESPERATE FOR A DRINK

We made our way
to the kitchen.
And did
something smell
rancid!!
I figured there
was a sewage leak,
or, maybe,
a dead rat trapped
under the
floor boards.
Ophelia’s nose curled.

“Anna, the smell!”

“Yeah, it’s
godforsaken foul.”

She gasped and
pointed to someone.
“It’s HIM!”

My head turned.
My heart raced.
There was only
one
other
person
in the room.
And that person?

“How could U be so heartless”- Kanye West

diningroom12(1)

Black Hair
walked over,
only to tower
over me,
in eery silence-
like a ghost with
poor hygiene.
He made a face
as if to say
“Oh, of course”
and limply pointed
to some mixers.
Then,
as I poured a drink,
he spoke.

“Oh, by the way, Anna I-”

“Yeah?
What’s up dude??”
I said,
too quickly.

“It’s nothing …
don’t worry …”

“Nooo,
tell me!”

“It’s just …well …
um …
my
girlfriend’s
coming tonight …
hope that’s
cool.”

My face sizzled
and I stopped it
from cracking
by smiling
but my voice
went high pitched
and it was clear
I wasn’t ok
but I said

“Yeah …
YEAH,
of course …
fine.”

My pink face
dragged
Ophelia into
the loo
and after
she heard the
news
was equally
as shocked as I.

diningroom12

She suggested
we leave.
“No!
I’m not
leaving
a party
on New Years
because of him!”

So, I took
a sip and
went into
the …

DINING ROOM

Roast chicken and
hunks of bread.
Salad, with
dressing.
All on a long
wooden table.
Half eaten,
but still looking
fresh.

Eyes moved from
the food to
the clientele.
One girl and
one guy.
Girl was nearly
pretty,
wearing a bowl cut
and a vest
and looked like
someone who’d
shop at Claire’s
Accessories
‘ironically’.
Guy had brown,
broccoli
shaped hair
and
wore a hoodie …
Superdry I think.
She was waving
arms around,
eyes closed,
a blissed out
look on her face.
“Put on a songg”,
she moaned,
eyes still shut.
I sighed and walked
over to
the docked iPhone,
doing as told.
Chose a
song by
Bowie.
She screamed.

chicken

“Oh my GOD!!
I LOVE this MUSIC!!”

Felt a bit much,
but given the
former blow,
I needed a pick
me up,
even if it was
from her.

Eyes on
SuperDry.
He threw
a hunk of
bread in his mouth,
with the kind
of vigour
that inspired
boarding school
boys to switch
on lights after
the warden
nodded off.
Then he threw
up a
jazz hand,
then another,
and then both
hands met
each other,
at which point
I think he’d
forgotten that
part of his
routine.

When I
thought it was
over, he
then
jumped in
the air,
popping up
his legs
and throwing
his head back
in pure joy.
I’ve never felt
so sick and so
happy in my
life before.

diningroom8

HALLWAY

Red hair and
his henchman:
spotted!
Walking into a
room with
a gold doorknob.
I quickly went to
open it when-

“NO!”
someone screamed.

It was
bowl cut girl.

“What is it?”

“This is the COKE room!?”

“And?”

“Well they’re doing lines and
having deep chats.”

Lines and deep chats??!
Well I’ll be darned!
Ignored her, to enter

diningroom2

THE COKE ROOM…

was an office.
One which had a
brown leather sofa,
orange walls,
and
limited edition books
scattered
on the floor,
as if to say:
“Plenty more of
where that came from.”
Office’s desk was a
dark oak, and on it
a glass paperweight and
expensive pens
and a line of coke.
One so
small,
a mouse would’ve
struggled
to get high off it.
Red hair
snorted
dramatically.

“Guyssss, I just
party
too much in
New York.”

“You really do, bro!”
said one of the
Trilbys.

I sniggered.

“What’s so
funny?”
Red Hair snapped.

“Nothing, just if you think
you’re partying too much,
why don’t you stop?”

Trilby boys gasped.

“I hate people who
try and control my life.”

closeupbooks

SPAT OUT THE COKE ROOM

And into the living room.
Pacing back and forth,
was Black Hair.

“Anna- hi!
God, I’m just so
stressed.”

I could now taste the body
odour,
a vibrant medley of
musk and
dog shite.

“Why are you stressed?”

You’re here, my girlfriend’s coming,
and I’m not even supposed
to be having this party!!”

My eyes rolled back.

“Ugh…
it’s just the way
you look at me.”

“Huh?”

“I just love the way you
look at me…
SHIT!”
And he bolted
out the room.

Two minutes later,
he reappeared.

“Sorry, just had a panic attack!”

“What? Are you ok?”

“Yeah yeah,
just had to be
sick in the toilet!”

He said,
as if I was dumb
for assuming
otherwise.

…“I thought I was puking up blood,
but it was just the red wine!”
He laughed
and strolled off,
a spring in
his step.

orange2

NOT DRUNK ENOUGH

Everyone (7 people)
were now
in the dining room.
Coke room trio-
sat gloomily,
Amandelier-
glued to his phone,
and I couldn’t
see Black Hair,
but knew he was there
because
of the stench.

France’s answer to
Macklemore
played and
I swayed along,
half smiling
on the outside,
whilst on the
inside,
wondering
what I’d done so
horribly wrong
in my life
to deserve this.

Then, my
eyes
lit up.

He had …
honey blonde
hair,
blue eyes,
big lips
and
was wearing …
a Pharell hat.

It was
the friend!
The one
who’d been
with Black Hair
the night I met him!

Despite his hat,
I was eager to know
more, and
Black Hair,
sadly,
was my ticket.

“What’s his
name again?”

“Louis!”
Black hair
responded.

“How do you
two know
each other?”

diningroom6

“Family friends.
Though the night I met you
was the first time I’d seen him
in five years.”

“How come?”

“Well
when he became abstinent,
he cut himself off.”

Before I could wipe
away my tears,
I felt
someone
shove me
on the dance floor.

It was a tall
asian girl, wearing
a beige bedazzled
top and
ballet pumps.

I didn’t think too
much of it until …

15 MINUTES LATER

When Red hair
decided
we were mates.

“You.”
He pointed at me.

“I have something
to show you.”
And ushered me into
the kitchen
with strange urgency.

He sat me down
and
poured me a drink.

diningroom5

“Did I look better then,
or now?”

He said,
eyes bulging,
and held up his
phone screen.
A photo of
him with a
green mohawk.
He then pointed
at himself,
as if I needed
help
remembering
what he looked like.

Someone shouted.

“Are you two FLIRTING?”

It was the girl
who shoved me
in ballet pumps.

“Who?
Me and him?”
I replied,
pointing to Red hair.

“No, you and HIM!”

She pushed
forward
Black Hair,
who was
sweating profusely.

“No! We’re not flirting..”
I said, outraged
at the suggestion.

“AH!” She gasped.
And that hickey!
Someone must
really love you.”

Roll1_B020486-R1-19-20A

I clapped my hands
over my chest,
and
shot daggers at
Black Hair.

True to form,
he darted
out the room.

OPHELIA IS OUT

She said
“I want to go home.”

Not surprising.
She had looked miserable
for most the night,
and I could
hardly blame her.

But, I hadn’t yet said
my piece
to Black Hair-
how to
treat women
and
social etiquette
and a link
to my
favourite
deodorant.

Ophelia left.

LEO

Was the newest edition
to the party.
Despite the sophisticated
central heating,
he sat at
the head of the table
wearing
a woolen hat,
scarf and
a Canada Goose.
He looked pissy,
and I wanted
to know what
about.

“Take off your coat,
stay a while.”
I said, delivered
in a slur,
so sticky,
that I wish
I had just
kept my mouth
shut.

“I’m fine like this.”
He hissed.

“I knew you were trouble when you walked in.”
Taylor Swift.

diningroom10

I walked out
into the living room,
sniffing around to find
Black Hair
before I left,
but he was
nowhere to be found!

diningroom29
TWO FINGERS

Tapped me
on the back.

It was Leo.

(I knew we
had shared
a moment!!)

He sat down
opposite me.

“Where’s your
drink?”
I said.

“I don’t need
one.”

“But you haven’t
got one
on you.”

“No, he laughed.
I don’t drink.”

“Oh.
Well,
why not?”

“I’m
in a relationship….
to
God.”

“Oh …
that’s …
nice?”

It was nice,
I guess,
just not
the answer
I had hoped
for.

“So, you don’t
have …
sex?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I just
cried afterward-
every.
Single.
Time.”

diningroom9

I wasn’t lucid
enough for this.
What could I say?
“I’m sorry?”
“I know the feeling?”
Instead,
I panicked
and said:

“So, you don’t
even
kiss people?”

“No. Honestly,
God is just
better than any of
that stuff.”

“Fair
enough!
Glad you found light
through God.”

“Yeah, he’s
the best.”

“So, you don’t
ever …
fancy
people?”

“No …
well …”

“What?”

“Well …
I do fancy …
someone.”

“Who?”

“My
sister.”

————

Liked this??

Follow Never Pure on Instagram: HERE

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: