Skip to content

The Pied Piper of Paris

Last month my good friend came to Paris. We went on three nights out and I have documented all of them. 

Here is what happened on night number 1.

WORDS: Anna Christine

 

“This has to be the wrong address.” 

Look down at google, then back up at the place.

No, it is right. 

Fabulous.

 

We’re outside an old theatre, 

with three weird men outside, 

who all look like ex cons.

Reluctantly we enter the hallway, 

which looks like it’s seen no action since

the 1920s. 

Go down some steps and

open two heavy black doors to find…

 

The provisions of a school disco.

Semi spacious dance floor,

blue, pink and red lights,

a mediocre, at best, DJ

and

of course,

a disco ball.

 

Move to the…

 

Smoking area

It’s indoors and on some…

staircases.

Bit niche, and also, 

a bit bloody cheeky!

As paying customers, we deserve better!

Like most indoor smoking areas, it’s

balmy and insufferable, almost enough to put

you off cigs forever.

Almost.

In walks…

 

 Jacques

He’s wearing the type of outfit that says:

“amateur skater, full time raver.”

…Baggy grey jeans (that are constantly falling down),

 a blue baseball cap

and Adidas Samba OGs.

The type of outfit you’ve seen:

 

1.) Playing snooker at Canavans.

2.) Smoking weed at uni behind the bins.

 

 From afar he’s good looking –

like a young, FRANCOphied,

James Franco.

(Ba-dum-tissss)

jamesfrancoo

He speaks:

 

“Do you ‘av a ceee-gahr-ret?”

and his voice

is a deep monotone.

“Je suis désolée bro.” 

(Down to my last cigarette).

Notice his teeth-

uneven and a yellowish brown,

suggesting too many filterless cigarettes/

goes on a crack pipe.

Take back James Franco.

I ask if he has plans for later and he says:

 

“No. I don’t have af-tehr party….

I go Sann-Trohh-payy in morning.”

 

Oli… 

Is waving for me to come over.

She’s on the other side of the smoking

area, talking up some OAP who looks

like a less sexy Willem Dafoe.

dafoe.jpg

“You look like Willem Dafoe.”

I say.

“No, Dafoe looks like me.”

Steadyyyy on squire, 

I was just being charitable.

 

Venue shuts. 

4am.

Standing outside. 

Jacques is loitering with his two mates. 

One is a pretty red head with a

standoffish face, standing next to

a bucket hat wearing geezer. 

They don’t say a word to each other,

but apparently they’re going home together.

Jacques’s taken a shine to Oli, and 

so has Steve, who cornered me on 

the dance floor to ask:

“What’s your friend’s name?”

Now he’s on about some BBQ.

“Do you want to come to a barbecue tomorrow Olivia?”

“Do you like sausages Olivia?” 

I roll my eyes because

aren’t French men supposed to have game?

Also, I like sausages too, Steve!!

Phone lights up.

DM from Thomas,

a dude we met back in London.

It reads:

At a party in the Marais.”

“The Marais?” 

Jacques eyes light up, 

as much as they can 

(they’re quite dim). 

“I leeve therh!! I can get an Ubair wizz you guys!”

 

Uber arrives.

We all squeeze together in the back.

Still no word from Thomas-

no “come along”, no address…

 so you could say this drive is 

somewhat counterintuitive. 

 

Finally, phone rings. 

 

Oli and I shoot up in our seats.

Thomas’s face lights up the screen.

Didn’t realise Instagram even had

a video chat feature…blimey!

Jacques grabs the phone

and he laughs and

“Ah! C’est vrai?” 

 and

 “d’accord, weee d’accord!”

like they’re long lost friends, and

we ask what’s 

being said

but are swatted away, 

like two toddlers interrupting

Daddy’s business call.

 

Sitting in silence,

both of us scratch heads, 

listening out for clues to piece together 

what the hell they’re saying.

 One thing, we do understand. 

“Bien.. you met Oleeeviah and Annerrr ahh za club too? 

Meet cute or what?

Phone call finally ends.

So…what’s the deal?”

I say, like a girl on a “girlies nite in” with the girls.

“All the guys at party sleeping, we don’t go thehhhr…”

 

“Lovely stuff Jacques…just great! 

 

“Pah deh problemeeeee…I knows a place.”

 

Now we’re walking past a park,

the sky a chalk blue. 

This could be romantic if this scenario was

in every way different. 

Somebody emerges out the park gates-

it’s a…

a… corgi, whose stomach is grazing the pavement.

I always thought my spirit guide

would be a wolf,

but:

 “Life is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it”– Ronan Keating. 

Looming ahead, stands 

a figure in all black.

Black leather coat, 

black hair,

black mono brow and is

blowing on a black flute.

The Pied Piper at a funeral.

(Whoever said dogs resemble their

 owners must not have met this pair.)

piedpiper1

 

All that blowing feels like

 a cry for attention,

 a pointless one at that,

 because the corgi isn’t just ignoring the flute,

 but going out his way to spite it, 

 now cradled in the arms of his new found friend:

Jacques.  

 

RRRRRRRemixxxxxxx.

Whistle is now high pitched and quicker.

Swear it’s the tune

of Avicii’s “Levels” but I am still drunk,

so who’s to say.

Corgi breaks out of Jacques arms,

paws hit cement and begin circling-

a flash of a fang,

a meaningful snarl.

Jacques,

taken aback by all this,

is crouched down,

liaising with the hound,

who is now,

dangling

off his trouser leg. 

yikes
trigger warning

 

 Time to leave. 

 

I forgot to mention earlier

that I took a tumble down the club’s stairs. 

 

As a result, my new  shoes have broken

so I’m scuffling behind Oli and Jacques

like a Year 6 kid practising his ‘Crip walk’.

They’re having a whale of a time,

 (despite the language barrier),

elbowing each other and screaming.

Do I feel left out?

Yeah, but just a bit.

mbts
RIP my new shoes

 

Finally we arrive at..

 Place # 1.

 

A bar that’s…. 

“Ferme.”

Nice one Jahhhkh.

“No no, there’s a plass open 24 ow-ers just down eerhh.” 

He mumbles, pulling his trousers up.

I halt, like a kid who’s been promised ice cream, 

and doesn’t now know if 

the shop even exists.  

Decide to persevere, opting for a limp jog,

because these good-4-nothing shoes won’t 

stop me from getting in on the banter!!!

Arrive at.. 

 

Place #2.

 A blur of high res jackets sit at the bar-

builders just trying to 

wake up before their shift.

Their heads turn in slow mo, then back down

to their mugs, unamused by the reek of 

booze and cigarettes that’ve just walked in. 

“Shot and bierh Monsieur, Jacque says… vodka.” 

Oli and I look at each other, panicked. 

Not vodka…

anything but vodka. 

We whisper to the bartender:

“PRO-s-s-e-c-o in shot glass, s’il voo plate?”

Silence.

“So that’ll be two VODKA shots sir!!”

We shout,

giving Jacques a thumbs up.

Waiter rolls eyes.

 

Head back outside to find…

pain
lol

Thomas…

Standing on the street, wearing reflective sunglasses,

 Reggae blaring off his phone.

I can tell he’s going to slot into

this shit show instantly.  

He seems surprisingly straight for 6am, even

equipped with a brown bag full of

pain au chocolats.

#Stepcorrect 

 

Another drink. 

yellow
yum!!

A pint for Oli and me and a disgusting yellow 

drink that tastes of aniseed for the boys. 

Apparently it’s a French ‘delicacy’.

Jacques disappears again (drugs clearly kicked in)

and when he comes back 

the manager stomps on over

to us, 

red faced, 

shouting something ‘en Francais’.

Thomas, exasperated by the whole ordeal,

translates:

 “Your friend has been… kicked out.”

“Why?”

“He… missed the urinal.” 

“Huh?”

“He pissed in the sink.”

 

FIN

Stay tuned for the NEXT Paris blog, coming SOON!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: