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A Night With… Faux Real.

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I thought, as they kept cropping up on my Instagram.

They claimed to be musicians but had no links to songs.

Three things, I did find.

1.) They’re twins.

2.) They like to wear suits.

3.) Sometimes they wear wife beaters.

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It did cross my mind, when I saw frequent “we’re DJing tonight” posts

and a picture with Alexa Chung.

Then, their first song finally dropped. “Second Sweat.” 

Watched the video and thought it a bit homoerotic, which was

slightly uncomfortable considering they’re related.

Anyway, I liked the song.

(I’d be lying if it didn’t take me a few listens to get into, though.)

When I saw they were playing in

town in just a week, I thought: 

“Why the HECK not?!!”

Quickly took to Instagram and slid in the DMs.

“May I take pictures of you before your gig?”


So… here’s what happened!

VENUE?  Shacklewell Arms


Not only did they sound good,

but the lead singer looked like Timmy Chalamet!

Oi oi!

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Afterward, I met Faux Real at the

bar before their set.

Collectively we decided on

“taking it to the streets”

like a year 9 pissed about his

mate stealing the last Tangfastic.

What were they like?

They were pretty mellow, but as

soon as the flash

pointed in their direction it

was a completely different story. 

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I mean, hats off to them, because

they knew how

to work the camera, but…really?

“Can you take that again of me? It’s not a good angle.” One of them said. 




And it was #showtime.

I couldn’t believe it!

Now it was so crowded I had to elbow people

out the way and pretend to need the loo just

to get a look in near the front.



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bulging eyes and

synchronised dance moves.

The songs felt pretty reminiscent of

Music & Lyrics’s “Pop Goes My Heart.”

And I mean that in

the best way possible.

I had no doubt that these

tracks would become hits,

I just couldn’t understand why

they hadn’t released them….

Or why they weren’t signed. 🧐


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And my friend said he needed

to leave and eat dinner. 

I wasn’t hungry.


So on I stayed, standing awkwardly

at the bar, clutching a

plastic beer filled cup.

The band and their “entourage” were to my right,

which felt creepy (even for me),

like I was loitering there expectantly.

Maybe I was.

I went outside for a cigarette and

met a young monk and his two friends.


The two friends were girls

and stunning and

one was drunk, sloppy drunk,

and I really felt the friend’s pain.

Monk was Canadian and chubby

with bright blue eyes.

I liked his presence, but felt

somewhat confused

as to why he was drinking and


“Im not your regular monk.”

Right then…



Drunk girl claimed to know

one of the Faux Real twins. She said:

“There’s a like, after party. Let’s go!”

in an American French accent

which sounded even

more tedious in a slur.


It was 2AM and I was

in a cab with

them to

The Moth Club


Nobody answered.

The place was clearly shut!


A lanky blonde kid with a

sling opened the door.

He looked at us up and down for

a moment and then finally

agreed to let us upstairs.

(Bit insulting)


A small room (guessing a back office)

with steps that

went down into a

makeshift dance floor.

Drunk girl took no time to

start dancing, and she

was pretty enough

to kind of pull it off.

Spoke to one of the

twins who seemed so

unmoved by everything that

I thought:

“Challenge accepted m8.”

I asked him to choose

a song, because even

though I had designated myself as DJ,

I felt like being charitable.

“I don’t know… I don’t wanna choose one.”

“If a gun was to your head, what would you choose?”

“What? Why would there be a gun to my head?”

And with that I walked back over to the

monk and poured myself another drink.



Liked this? Read about the after party with Fat White Family : HERE


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