Skip to content

What Happens at Laylow

Stormzy, Rihanna and Mick Jagger.

All regulars at this West London members club.

So riddle me this- why does Laylow’s  exterior look like an abandoned pub? 🤨

laylow19

MY FIRST TIME

I had dinner.

Burrata and fries… because I’m not made of money.

The waiter was fit and when we asked:

“Is the bar upstairs?”

He responded-

“Yeah…the thing is… it’s only for members.” Spoken in that sickly nice, baby voice tone that sounds like it’s a question.

laylow24

Left no tip.

WHEN MY DAD

Told me he’d made it into Laylow’s bar, I knew I had to step up my game.

So I felt ready to hit it up again, for Milo Clare’s gig, in the basement, where muggles like you and I are welcome in! Boy oh boy!!!

laylow8 (1)

CROWD

There were two groups.

1.) Sk8rs & co:

Boys who look like they’d just raided Urban Outfitters men’s section. I’m talking CarharrtWIP, I’m talking Dickies, I’m talking “vintage” tees and beanie hats. I even saw a guy with drumsticks popping out his cargo shorts. #stickittotheman. The girls accompanying them looked like extras on Euphoria- diamontes on their eyes and big fur coats.

2.) Notting Hill Rich Kids:

You’ve seen them before.

Where?

At events in Tatler mag, wearing Burberry coats, clutching a bucks fizz. It’s never clear what they actually do- but one thing’s for sure- they have rich parents!! The dudes in this crowd are always 8 out of 10, balancing out the preppiness with a hoop earring or a stick n poke. Sometimes even a gold tooth! The girls? Look as dry as toast, with blunt cut blonde hair and annoying laughs.

laylow2
Sam Akpro setting up xx

Appaz there was a Browns fashion dinner going on in the restaurant, so we were lucky enough to spot some c list ‘celebs’ having a cheeky cig, like Alice Dellal!! #flashing…lights

TO THE BASEMENT

(people to the basement) hahahhahhahahahaha

laylow17

It was cramped and no doubt inspired by David Lynch or some shit, with blue velvet sofas and red lighting.

CAME IN TO FIND

Sam Akpro on the stage, singing his song called “Blade”. I unfortunately only heard this song, but I reckon this little love is one to watch for sure!

“COME ON MATEEEEE”.

“FUCKING A!”

YES MILO!”

Were flying round the place like a Mexican wave.

Then I heard a girl turn to her mate and whisper:

“Milo’s gonna be a star.”

laylow11

Either he had paid people a lot of money to lie, or he had a bloody loyal fanbase considering it was his first gig!!

MILO CLARE

Came on. Bit shorter than expected, wearing a blue shirt.

It was unbuttoned a lot. 

After all this hype, I was… waiting for him to fuck up.

He didn’t.

laylow 31

The songs were poppy, but not like the shit The 1975 comes out with.

He had the voice of an angel!! pRICK.

“Right, I’m gonna have a pint now!” were his parting words,

almost as if we had paid him to get up on stage.

Oh yeah… we had! 😉

laylow8

BAR SHUT

Knocked from last times attempt, but by no means deterred, we marched up the narrow steps to the members bar when I saw something that made my heart sink.

laylow4

A clipboard.

Follow by:

“This is a private party. Are you on the list?”

Straaaaight back down for a ciggy.

Time to rethink.

No tactic came to mind, so we just went back up and for some reason, the snotty chick didn’t bat an eye this time!!

laylow13

FLOOR 2

A lot of talent and not a lot of space to move which made me feel clumpy, sweaty and overwhelmed.

laylow16
Murder on the dancefl00r!! x

Music was watered down house and when a good song finally came on, it was remixed within 50 seconds.

One half of the room was filled with the crowd from Milo’s gig. The other half were up on a higher tier, behind the DJ. They were older and looked exotic but not in an intimidating or particularly appealing way.

laylow 18 1
eeeky

There was a lot of glitter and sequins.  A woman was wearing half a disco ball on her head…something Sia would deem quirky for an award show.

People didn’t look particularly friendly and so we went downstairs to smoke again.

Cor- life in the fast lane wasn’t all it was cracked up to be!! 

laylow12

OUTSIDE SMOKING

Bouncers had now decided to take down the tables and chairs and pink umbrellas and plant pots and usher everyone into a neat line to smoke.

laylow10

Overheard people talking about a third room.

“There’s a third room?”

“Yeah…wait…you don’t know about the THIRD room??”

laylow15

THIRD ROOM

We waited for the yat guarding the third staircase to leave and then snuck upstairs.

It was a completely different **vibe** n that.

laylow14

Sprawling and grey, with a long black marble table, random spiral staircase then a corner with arm chairs and sofas.

You could smoke up there which was convenient but after a while, made me feel sick.

laylow22
toke it up b x

THE DJ

I knew straight away from his bowl cut that he was in The Horrors. I think the bassist.

Glued to his hip was some old chick with bleached blonde hair and huge black sunglasses on. A 25p Debbie Harry.

Apparently it was Annie Nightingale but who’s to know.

laylow21

DRINKS

Dunno who was hosting this party, but the bevs were free!! Thanxxxxx babe!!

HAS BEENS

There were a lot of 50 something men with long hair that looked like they’d work at AnotherMag and or/ brag about shagging Harry Styles. Also they looked like the type to call women “cats”.

The chicks who accompanied them were probs the Mum’s of the kids downstairs, wearing flared jeans and neck scarves. Rocknroll babyyyyyy.

Let’s just say this crowd weren’t just drinking alcohol. :O

laylow23

Everywhere I’d look they were doing other things…in the hallway, on the table, in the bathroom.

Dunno if there was a poison apple about, cos it felt a hell of a lot like SNOW WHITE n the seven dwarves 😉

There was something… sad about being up there. A big space with not enough people to fill it, Debbie grinding on Horrors to Cheryl Lynn.

laylow5

2AM

And there were no signs this party was stopping!! Had to tip my hat off to Laylow for this, vs the stringent hours that Soho House adheres to.

OVERALL

I’m in no hurry to go back.

I do recommend the burrata tho.

 

———————————

FIN

If you LIKED this, why not read about Scotch of St James??? 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: