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What Happens at Laylow

Stormzy, Rihanna and Mick Jagger.

All regulars at this West London members club.

So riddle me this- why does Laylow’s  exterior look like an abandoned pub? 🤨



I had dinner.

Burrata and fries… because I’m not made of money.

The waiter was fit and when we asked:

“Is the bar upstairs?”

He responded-

“Yeah…the thing is… it’s only for members.” Spoken in that sickly nice, baby voice tone that sounds like it’s a question.


Left no tip.


Told me he’d made it into Laylow’s bar, I knew I had to step up my game.

So I felt ready to hit it up again, for Milo Clare’s gig, in the basement, where muggles like you and I are welcome in! Boy oh boy!!!

laylow8 (1)


There were two groups.

1.) Sk8rs & co:

Boys who look like they’d just raided Urban Outfitters men’s section. I’m talking CarharrtWIP, I’m talking Dickies, I’m talking “vintage” tees and beanie hats. I even saw a guy with drumsticks popping out his cargo shorts. #stickittotheman. The girls accompanying them looked like extras on Euphoria- diamontes on their eyes and big fur coats.

2.) Notting Hill Rich Kids:

You’ve seen them before.


At events in Tatler mag, wearing Burberry coats, clutching a bucks fizz. It’s never clear what they actually do- but one thing’s for sure- they have rich parents!! The dudes in this crowd are always 8 out of 10, balancing out the preppiness with a hoop earring or a stick n poke. Sometimes even a gold tooth! The girls? Look as dry as toast, with blunt cut blonde hair and annoying laughs.

Sam Akpro setting up xx

Appaz there was a Browns fashion dinner going on in the restaurant, so we were lucky enough to spot some c list ‘celebs’ having a cheeky cig, like Alice Dellal!! #flashing…lights


(people to the basement) hahahhahhahahahaha


It was cramped and no doubt inspired by David Lynch or some shit, with blue velvet sofas and red lighting.


Sam Akpro on the stage, singing his song called “Blade”. I unfortunately only heard this song, but I reckon this little love is one to watch for sure!




Were flying round the place like a Mexican wave.

Then I heard a girl turn to her mate and whisper:

“Milo’s gonna be a star.”


Either he had paid people a lot of money to lie, or he had a bloody loyal fanbase considering it was his first gig!!


Came on. Bit shorter than expected, wearing a blue shirt.

It was unbuttoned a lot. 

After all this hype, I was… waiting for him to fuck up.

He didn’t.

laylow 31

The songs were poppy, but not like the shit The 1975 comes out with.

He had the voice of an angel!! pRICK.

“Right, I’m gonna have a pint now!” were his parting words,

almost as if we had paid him to get up on stage.

Oh yeah… we had! 😉



Knocked from last times attempt, but by no means deterred, we marched up the narrow steps to the members bar when I saw something that made my heart sink.


A clipboard.

Follow by:

“This is a private party. Are you on the list?”

Straaaaight back down for a ciggy.

Time to rethink.

No tactic came to mind, so we just went back up and for some reason, the snotty chick didn’t bat an eye this time!!



A lot of talent and not a lot of space to move which made me feel clumpy, sweaty and overwhelmed.

Murder on the dancefl00r!! x

Music was watered down house and when a good song finally came on, it was remixed within 50 seconds.

One half of the room was filled with the crowd from Milo’s gig. The other half were up on a higher tier, behind the DJ. They were older and looked exotic but not in an intimidating or particularly appealing way.

laylow 18 1

There was a lot of glitter and sequins.  A woman was wearing half a disco ball on her head…something Sia would deem quirky for an award show.

People didn’t look particularly friendly and so we went downstairs to smoke again.

Cor- life in the fast lane wasn’t all it was cracked up to be!! 



Bouncers had now decided to take down the tables and chairs and pink umbrellas and plant pots and usher everyone into a neat line to smoke.


Overheard people talking about a third room.

“There’s a third room?”

“Yeah…wait…you don’t know about the THIRD room??”



We waited for the yat guarding the third staircase to leave and then snuck upstairs.

It was a completely different **vibe** n that.


Sprawling and grey, with a long black marble table, random spiral staircase then a corner with arm chairs and sofas.

You could smoke up there which was convenient but after a while, made me feel sick.

toke it up b x


I knew straight away from his bowl cut that he was in The Horrors. I think the bassist.

Glued to his hip was some old chick with bleached blonde hair and huge black sunglasses on. A 25p Debbie Harry.

Apparently it was Annie Nightingale but who’s to know.



Dunno who was hosting this party, but the bevs were free!! Thanxxxxx babe!!


There were a lot of 50 something men with long hair that looked like they’d work at AnotherMag and or/ brag about shagging Harry Styles. Also they looked like the type to call women “cats”.

The chicks who accompanied them were probs the Mum’s of the kids downstairs, wearing flared jeans and neck scarves. Rocknroll babyyyyyy.

Let’s just say this crowd weren’t just drinking alcohol. :O


Everywhere I’d look they were doing other things…in the hallway, on the table, in the bathroom.

Dunno if there was a poison apple about, cos it felt a hell of a lot like SNOW WHITE n the seven dwarves 😉

There was something… sad about being up there. A big space with not enough people to fill it, Debbie grinding on Horrors to Cheryl Lynn.



And there were no signs this party was stopping!! Had to tip my hat off to Laylow for this, vs the stringent hours that Soho House adheres to.


I’m in no hurry to go back.

I do recommend the burrata tho.




If you LIKED this, why not read about Scotch of St James??? 

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