Sext and the City

Max came along and I thought he would be the perfect person.

By “came along” I mean we matched on Hinge. He looked kind of neanderthal like…gormless, also a bit like James Franco, but not enough to make me *catch feelings*. In the first five minutes we established two things.

1.) Screw lockdown! We wanted a cheeky kiss!

2.) What were we to do about it?

My Date With Daddy Warbucks

John had brown black eyes that looked like they belonged on one of
the small toys you get on a keychain that’s an animal but you can’t quite pin point what kind.

I took no time to say “You have big eyes” which in my mind warranted
staring into them most of the night.

His hair was a brown blunt cut which was awkward and he knew it, hiding it in a beanie and when he took it off he’d tousle it and then tuck it behind his ears.

My Date with a Director

A long distance fling with a 40 year old crackhead, being savagely ghosted by a posh boy and being condemned for addressing a dwarf as a “midget”. No, this isn’t a game of would you rather, it was the state of my dating life. After a tub or two of Half Baked and Cookie Dough I felt bloated, pathetic and HSBC was on the blower telling me I had entered an “un arranged overdraft.” So I switched to smoking cigarettes and re downloaded Hinge. For the third time.

Things started off rough.

I was biting off more than I could chew- tossing likes around, (reaching the like limit) and not getting much back. Dudes liking me had answers on their profile such as “Probably won’t reply to U”, or “First round’s on me if you…just show up.” As I was about to delete the app again, I stopped in my tracks. There was a like from a director I was obsessed with. Drake’s “God’s Plan” never resonated with me more.

Nothing but your Boxers

This year was a pretty uneventful year in terms of men, which was great.

It meant that for the most part, I wasn’t complaining to my friends and constantly checking my phone for messages.

I did go on a date with a guy who was cute in a dishevelled way, who I had had a horrible crush on for three years.