The Last Line

“You’re good at endings” were the last words he texted me.

He was referring to the article that I had just sent him.

Ollie and I “met” on Hinge at the beginning of lockdown. From the get go he said he was a fan of my writing, and I said I was a fan of his band. He was the “ha. Yeah.” kind of guy via text which was jarring initially, but soon we discovered we had a lot in common, which prompted him to be so bold as to say “I think we may be soul mates.”  Our first “date” was watching the same film at the same time, texting throughout. I had a Perrier bottle propped up against a pillow as him, and he had a sharpie drawn face on a coke zero bottle as me. Then a few weeks later, he suggested we go on a walk. I was terrified! What if we weren’t compatible?  When he suggested he drop-off a pizza at mine that Sunday I decided to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Corona Diary: Pt 1

Lockdown has been interesting. For someone who ordinarily finds it hard to get out of bed, this has been a challenge.  Here’s some stuff that’s happened thus far…

The Garden

Has been abandoned since my Mom left. 

The grey cement slates unrecognisable with algae and weeds that clung to it for dear life and the potted plants shrivelled as if to say “Thanx for nothing”. With all this spare time on my hands I thought, ‘enough is enough’, and found a new hobby in gardening, (aka taking my anger out on a shovel whilst listening to Meghan Thee Stallion.) 

(The Lifestyle of the Rich) and Famous

I had been on two dates with a guy. Turns out, they had never been dates at all.

Fight Night

Last summer I was in Paris. My friend and I had a night we’ll never forget.

The bar in Pigalle

had dark blue walls dotted with small silver sequins.
For a second it made me feel I was at the planetarium but
then I remembered we were at a bar. 

Jess and I were the only ones in there, apart from the bartender-
a Mr.Tumnus looking geezer, who maintained a strict:

“No! No drinks aohht-seed!”
policy with us, which was especially jarring considering it was a cruel 34c. 

My Date with a Director

A long distance fling with a 40 year old crackhead, being savagely ghosted by a posh boy and being condemned for addressing a dwarf as a “midget”. No, this isn’t a game of would you rather, it was the state of my dating life. After a tub or two of Half Baked and Cookie Dough I felt bloated, pathetic and HSBC was on the blower telling me I had entered an “un arranged overdraft.” So I switched to smoking cigarettes and re downloaded Hinge. For the third time.

Things started off rough.

I was biting off more than I could chew- tossing likes around, (reaching the like limit) and not getting much back. Dudes liking me had answers on their profile such as “Probably won’t reply to U”, or “First round’s on me if you…just show up.” As I was about to delete the app again, I stopped in my tracks. There was a like from a director I was obsessed with. Drake’s “God’s Plan” never resonated with me more.

What Happens at Laylow

Stormzy, Rihanna and Mick Jagger.

All regulars at this West London members club.

So riddle me this- why does Laylow’s  exterior look like an abandoned pub? 🤨

MY FIRST TIME

I had dinner.

Burrata and fries… because I’m not made of money.

The waiter was fit and when we asked:

“Is the bar upstairs?”
He responded-